On a shelf in an apartment: a cactus, a sunflower and a pea plant. A woman pours some water on the cactus and leaves the house.


A cactus: I really don’t know what’s wrong with people. I really don’t get it.

A sunflower: What’s going on now again.

A cactus:  She gave me water again. Again! Why does she do this?!

A sunflower: When? I didn’t even see her coming!

A cactus: Of course, you don’t! Every time there is that burning sunshine outside the window you are all into it. You weirdo! No surprise that you haven’t seen her.

A sunflower: Oh, please stop whining. And be grateful that someone is taking care of you. No offense, but you are not the most attractive plant in the planet with those thorns.

A cactus: Oh, now I am curious to know what you would have said to me without that “No offense”. Sorry to disappoint you, but there is no plant more desired by human beings than us, Cactaceae. Every apartment with a decent standard has a cactus plant on a shelf!

 A sunflower (resting on a warm window): Oh, is that true?

A cactus: Well, yes! You sunflowers, you are seeds for porridge my darling. Nobody really cares about you, moving around the sunshine, like psychos. If they really wanted something that could move, they would have had a dog or a cat.  You should stop even making an effort about it! No one cares!

A sunflower: I kind of sense a sort of envy here. You cannot move and considering your shape I am not even sure it will be a pleasant thing to see. And nobody will even come next to you to smell your sent!

A cactus (interrupting): You really like to deny the evidence, don’t you? She comes everyday giving me water so, you are wrong! I would like to just be on my own, but they always come and bother me. Do you get it? “Thorns” hashtag “stay away from me”? I don’t want to look nice and beautiful for them. I just want to get fat and fat and get more thorns!

A pea plant: Shhhh!!!Stop shouting please. My beans are trying to sleep here. And if you could control your swearing it would be more than appreciated.

A cactus: Oh, there we go, here she is. Sorry, but this is a public space. I get water in the face when I don’t want it, he can swear and act like a weirdo and you unfortunately have to take it.

A pea plant: I am not going to accept that. These beans will be lunch very soon for our owner. They need a good sleep. I want them to be juicy and tasty. You keep your mouth shut, please.

A sunflower: Well, I don’t! So I don’t see why this should make a difference. I am not going to stay in silence when someone is offending the flowers of sunshine! Boring…

 A pea plant: Sure! Talking is all you can do,  lazy roots! Just doing nothing but photosynthesis, while I am food for them and this is a full time job.

A sunflower: Excuse me: I am in the most delicious porridge in every bar and Cafeteria, all over the world, and in the best oil in Aldi and Morrison and Asda. And if sometimes I enjoy some photosynthesis is not your business at all!

A cactus: Well, there is no plant more desired by human beings than us, Cactaceae. Every apartment…

 A sunflower interrupting: Oh, again with this boring chant.

A pea plant: I always thought that only moss could be the most boring plant ever, always showing off about directions, the North and the South, and the North and the South, before I had to listen to this green hedgehog!

A sunflower: Ah! Nice one!

A pea plant (staring at the sunflower): I thought I was the boring one. Apparently now it’s your turn

The plant of peas suddenly shakes. Little peas wake up and start crying.

 A little pea referring to the cactus: Mum, am I going to get bigger like him when I get older? I want to get bigger like him!

Another little pea: I want those thorns, I want those thorns mum!

Another little pea: Mum, when do I get green like him, mum? Soon?

The cactus (getting bigger and emotionally satisfied): See? All they can notice is me! Your little peas are very smart. I never thought peas had a brain actually.

A woman enters in the room, plucks all the peas and put them in a dish and start cooking. Than she grabs the sunflower and put them in a vase on the table. She pours some water on the cactus. 

 The cactus (exhausted): Why?

Moral: Once you have proved that you are right and everybody should finally agree, it is time for lunch.












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Faccio stand up comedy in Inghilterra ed è in questo spazio che ho iniziato a scrivere e a sperimentare testi comici


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